Tag: Psycosynthesis

The Liberation of NO!

One of the best things ever to happen to me was learning to say no. I have mentioned in previous posts that I have memories of being told nasty things when I was little – that I was ‘mental’, that I was a liar, that I wouldn’t amount to anything. And this was by people close to me that I looked up to, loved and trusted. The trouble with that was, even though I knew what they were saying made me feel bad and was wrong, it laid a sort of foundation that, as I have loved and trusted people I have chosen as an adult, when they behaved badly towards me, I thought it was normal. A little bit like I deserved it because I was not worth anything and was bad, and also because I was used to it.

It got me into all sorts of trouble in my relationships. It got a bit worse too, I think, as I am a tall and quite strong appearing person, and lead people for my living. At the beginning of my two previous marriages, I think that both women made judgements from how I appeared and came across (and to be fair how I put myself across) and when they found that, actually, I was very vulnerable and hurt on the inside…. it felt like they turned on me like hyenas, feeding off the suddenly weak link in the pack. I don’t say that in a self deprecating way – it’s just how I choose to describe what I look back and observe in the past. I’m sure, of course that they would have very different perceptions and stories to tell, as people do!

In both cases, I tried and tried to work at the relationships, flying backwards and forwards half way across the world in the first and sometimes dealing with drunken abuse in the second. The first time, I just snapped one day and said ‘no’ but wasn’t really aware of the depths that I’d been down to mentally, and dived pretty much straight away into another relationship which turned out to be marriage No.2. The second time, after an encounter where I had to protect my wife and her friend (both utterly legless) from the friend’s husband – who had come to take her home armed with an axe – I felt empty and finished and knew I had to change the way I treated and looked after myself, and what and who I allowed into my life. So No.2 bit the dust, just after I had started Counselling to try and get to the bottom of what was happening in my head.

Even then, I wasn’t quite on the right track. A while later I started seeing a woman who had a little girl. After only a couple of weeks I was told that I would have to sell my van, and asked where we would spend Christmas! And THAT, my friends, is when it happened.

I just said no. No, this Christmas I will spend with my Parents and on my own. No, I will not sell my van. No, I will not see you tonight, I am tired. No, I will not see you any more as I have to walk into the light of healing – which will burn and hurt a bit, the bright whiteness will hurt my eyes…. but I will stick some dark glasses on, learn to see and make choices, get to the bottom of why I make (or made) them and learn to live a more gentle, kind and less vulnerable life. And be kind to myself, and stop giving myself away and leaving myself with nothing – no money, no energy, no time, beyond empty.

It felt like this, and it felt great. Try it.

Thursday. Head Day.

Thursday is the day I go to Counselling. When I visited my Doctor last year, and self referred to Occupational Health at work, I was given six free sessions with a Counsellor. I have a good and supportive employer. I was lucky enough to be able to carry on with my Counsellor (Xena, Warrior Princess) privately after those sessions. It all went on hold when I fell ill in France and was stuck there (yeah right, what a lovely place to get stuck!) but I started again in November and over time, we’ve built up quite a lot of momentum. Once or twice at the beginning it was like waiting at the Dentist. I knew I should go, I knew it wouldn’t really hurt but part of me waited outside, not wanting to be there. But I went in and started getting to the heart of ‘me’.

I have actually come to love Thursdays. I try and get the day off, so take Batman and Wonderwoman to school in the morning, have a gentle morning catching up with stuff at home or relaxing, and then get the train into London. After my session I get some fish and chips on the way back, and sometimes have a glass of wine in the evening. It’s all part of giving myself a break, taking a bit of time for me, and learning to live and get to know myself. I’m lucky to have the luxury, some people don’t get the time or the opportunity for all this.

Sometimes I’ve walked out of there and been almost silent for a week or more. Like an out of body experience, living in a bubble with everyone and everything going on around me but not really being there, or seen. Like a ghost. I’ve had to be really careful crossing the road, there’s a limit to what you can glide through and 40 ton lorries are not that! During these times, I’ve sat and considered and turned over in my mind what that Thursday meant. I’ve been able to take time to feel…. grief for the loss of my sister, the loss of the girl I grew up with when she became brain damaged, and the loss of her again when she died. I can feel love for her again, and listen to music that she would have loved, and smile, with happy tears, or sometimes no tears at all. The job’s not done, but things are better. And that’s just a little of what the last ten or so months has brought me.

I won’t do this every Thursday, but I talked about something very powerful today, which I will share with you. I remembered being shouted at by someone, red in the face, a high pitched scream, when I was little. I remembered being told by someone else that I was a swine, that I would not amount to anything, that I was not good enough. That I was bad, evil. I was told I was mental. Weirdly, it jumped into my head at the mention of the name of Hitler. It was in my head, and believe me, I can’t work that one out!

Sadly when adults you trust and love tell you these things, you believe them when you’re a child. And by and large they follow you into adulthood. If this poison has been planted in your head, then stop. See the trouble is, if it’s all you’ve known, you think it’s normal not to like yourself, and to think there’s something wrong with you. But that’s not the case. You only feel that because someone couldn’t hold their patience with you, had a bad day, had their own issues, and ultimately gave you a kicking with it. Or maybe you were an inconvenience in their lives or they just didn’t like you. Whatever the reason – it’s their problem, not yours and you deserve to seek healing and the chance to live gently and kindly within yourself.

Give it a go.