Tag: Move on

Upside Down Day

Tonight I am working my first night shift in 11 months. It was a real wrench to leave home, Wonderwoman was crying and didn’t want to sleep and I couldn’t get away. Nor did I want to. But Mrs Fog our childminder stepped in, and within seconds my little insomniac was snuggled into her bosom and completely serene. A lovely picture with which to throw myself together and leave the house.

I felt really low as I drove. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but the 9 months I have been away from it have given me the chance to consider other things in life.

I started work at 16 and swapped my awkward gangly lack of confidence and insecurity for the identity of ‘Railwayman’, which I maintained all the way until last April when I first took sick leave with Anxiety and Depression. I returned for 3 days in July, and then left for a family holiday abroad, where I promptly fell ill with a ruptured bowel and almost died. Well that gave me even more time to think.

It has felt along the way that my life has been building up towards a series of pivot points that have happened in quick succession this year.

I am no longer principally a Railwayman. I am me, a Husband and Father, with a dog who is my best friend, and my dream is to teach myself to make great cakes and coffee and for these last two (now three!) lines to be my cornerstone.

God it’s so scary. I lasted until I was 49 hiding that awkwardness, that lack of confidence, behind a uniform, behind function, behind my geeky obsession with railways. And now, with thanks to that comfortable and warm cloak that protected me all those years, I have cast it off and walk forward into myself, into an entirely new life. It’s fantastic, I feel lucky, and the journey is sometimes incredibly exhilarating. But sometimes, when I want to carry on my journey, I have to dip back into the past and I don’t want to do that any more. But the future needs to be paid for, so hey ho, 10 night shifts it is!

I put the radio on in the car, and this came on, as if to spur me on. I felt a lot better as I listened to it and wanted to share it with you, as we all plod along, or slide down the helter skelter, into our lives and dreams.

You Can’t Win Them All

Here is one of those life moments where there are no rules, no right or wrong answer. For me, it sums up the contradictions of being an Other Half, doing your best, and talking and listening properly. And, I suppose, just thinking in the heat of the moment.

Last night I had to pop up the supermarket for some razors. Jenny asked me to get Oreo Ice Cream for the superhero sproglets. Now you wouldn’t have thought that I could get something so specific, wrong. But it turns out that I did.

I went to the freezers, and there it was, shining like a beacon in the darkness. A tub of Oreo Ice Cream, ready to be descended upon and devoured by a slavering, raging pack of hungry Alligator-esque 5 year old twins. So in the basket it went, and I set off for home, revelling in my Hunter Gatherer success. I had sprouted very long hair and would return to my cave, where I would invent the wheel. Or knowing myself, reinvent it.

This morning, it transpires that opposite the freezers that contain the Oreo Ice Cream, amongst the children’s Ice Lollies, are Oreo biscuits filled with Ice Cream, which are different. And are the ones I should have bought. So even though I did exactly as I was asked, and got exactly what I was asked for, I was wrong.

Now we are a great couple, who are nice to each other, respectful, and look out for each other. Neither of us mind being wrong. It’s a drop in the ocean, non problem in life, but it is intensely annoying when you do your best with something so simple and are still wrong.

That’s life though, isn’t it? Go back to the start, do not collect £200. It’s a good lesson in observing how life is, obviously it’s bound to happen again as I am unlikely to ask for confirmation about something seemingly so finite and exact. So don’t sweat the small stuff. Inwardly roll your eyes, shrug and move on. You can’t win them all.

But then again, maybe I have. Because, if the kids don’t eat that lovely yummy ice cream, guess who will?!