Thursday is the day I go to Counselling. When I visited my Doctor last year, and self referred to Occupational Health at work, I was given six free sessions with a Counsellor. I have a good and supportive employer. I was lucky enough to be able to carry on with my Counsellor (Xena, Warrior Princess) privately after those sessions. It all went on hold when I fell ill in France and was stuck there (yeah right, what a lovely place to get stuck!) but I started again in November and over time, we’ve built up quite a lot of momentum. Once or twice at the beginning it was like waiting at the Dentist. I knew I should go, I knew it wouldn’t really hurt but part of me waited outside, not wanting to be there. But I went in and started getting to the heart of ‘me’.

I have actually come to love Thursdays. I try and get the day off, so take Batman and Wonderwoman to school in the morning, have a gentle morning catching up with stuff at home or relaxing, and then get the train into London. After my session I get some fish and chips on the way back, and sometimes have a glass of wine in the evening. It’s all part of giving myself a break, taking a bit of time for me, and learning to live and get to know myself. I’m lucky to have the luxury, some people don’t get the time or the opportunity for all this.

Sometimes I’ve walked out of there and been almost silent for a week or more. Like an out of body experience, living in a bubble with everyone and everything going on around me but not really being there, or seen. Like a ghost. I’ve had to be really careful crossing the road, there’s a limit to what you can glide through and 40 ton lorries are not that! During these times, I’ve sat and considered and turned over in my mind what that Thursday meant. I’ve been able to take time to feel…. grief for the loss of my sister, the loss of the girl I grew up with when she became brain damaged, and the loss of her again when she died. I can feel love for her again, and listen to music that she would have loved, and smile, with happy tears, or sometimes no tears at all. The job’s not done, but things are better. And that’s just a little of what the last ten or so months has brought me.

I won’t do this every Thursday, but I talked about something very powerful today, which I will share with you. I remembered being shouted at by someone, red in the face, a high pitched scream, when I was little. I remembered being told by someone else that I was a swine, that I would not amount to anything, that I was not good enough. That I was bad, evil. I was told I was mental. Weirdly, it jumped into my head at the mention of the name of Hitler. It was in my head, and believe me, I can’t work that one out!

Sadly when adults you trust and love tell you these things, you believe them when you’re a child. And by and large they follow you into adulthood. If this poison has been planted in your head, then stop. See the trouble is, if it’s all you’ve known, you think it’s normal not to like yourself, and to think there’s something wrong with you. But that’s not the case. You only feel that because someone couldn’t hold their patience with you, had a bad day, had their own issues, and ultimately gave you a kicking with it. Or maybe you were an inconvenience in their lives or they just didn’t like you. Whatever the reason – it’s their problem, not yours and you deserve to seek healing and the chance to live gently and kindly within yourself.

Give it a go.