Grandad’s Kit Kat

Back in 2004, my dear old Grandad’s health began to fail a little, as he approached his 90th Birthday. He felt off colour, he became a little vague and ate even less than his normal frugal diet.

The medical staff really looked after him, he was admitted to hospital for tests and the Doctors and Nurses took a real shine to him. He was a cheerful, gentle and kind man whom everyone took to.

His initial tests were inconclusive and he was booked in for an MRI scan. Mum went along to help him prepare and be there when he got back. When the results came back, they told my Mum and Grandad that they’d discovered a mass in his bowel. They had a talk and a think and Mum left. I visited later and we talked about the news. They said they could treat it, but weren’t sure as to how successful they’d be. My Grandad confided that he really didn’t want to bother, he was tired and ready to accept his lot but didn’t want to worry my Mum. So when the Doctors came to discuss the next bit, I stayed alongside him as his support, helped discuss with the Doctor and they laid on all sorts of support, a specialist Macmillan Nurse and various other people to help him through his illness. The Doctor said he’d return in a couple of days. In the meantime, I sat with my Mum and explained for Grandad how he felt and what he wanted. We all prepared ourselves for what might, and would, come.

When the Doctor returned, he was somewhat perplexed. He’d become uneasy about the pictures captured during the MRI Scan and had got the Consultant and some other experts to have a look. He asked ‘Mr Charles. Did you have anything to eat before you went for your scan’? Grandad sat and thought for a second. Then his face lit up. ‘YES! I did. I had a Kit Kat’. My Mum said ‘WHAT?! Dad. I TOLD you not to eat anything, just like what the Nurse said’! ‘Well’ he replied, getting a bit put out ‘I was bloody hungry’!

So we all got to breath a sigh of relief. That malignant mass of death that had threatened my hero, the man I most looked up to in the world, was actually the remains of chocolate and wafer. All that soul searching and heartfelt emotion was thankfully for nothing. When Mum told me, I laughed. Good old Grandad, not a bad bone in his body and totally oblivious to what had happened.

Grandad passed away the following year, he came to his natural end and there was no Kit Kat involved.

I’m night shift as I write this, and when I came in was a bit hungry. The ‘office snack shop’ has been replenished today and there were a pile of Kit Kats there. I grinned and felt the usual love and sadness, the yearning for one last hug, and saw Grandad’s face standing there with me as I remembered this story. Bloody hungry indeed, you old sod. Miss you forever x

The job is never done

We all seem to think that when we’ve done something, it’s done. It could be a simple short term thing like making a coffee, a medium term thing like paying a 6 monthly bill, or a long term thing like falling in love or teaching your children to cross the road.

But think about it. Nothing’s ever really ‘done’ is it?

You drink that lovely coffee and it meets it’s need for a while – takes away your thirst, gives you that caffeine shot, sharpens you up. And sooner or later, you feel thirsty again, feel fatigued and you…. well what do you do? Have another coffee? Trouble with that is that coffee doesn’t really slake your thirst as by it’s nature it makes you more thirsty, quicker. And the comedown from the caffeine high usually makes you feel lower than the initial fatigue that you tried to stave off. Maybe it’s time to try a different approach. Drink water to rehydrate your body (I also find it fills me up more and I eat less rubbish!) and get a bit of fresh air to sharpen you up. (Don’t have a smoke whilst you’re getting that fresh air….!)

Bills…. a nemesis to us all. Even as you pay, you know that sooner or later you’ll have to pay again. There’s a job that’s never done. Like an endless landscape of hungry hippos opening and shutting their mouths, gobbling up your hard earned cash with the odd unwelcome surprise expense like a new tyre for the car or yet another pair of shoes as your Batman or Wonderwoman grows at a seemingly inordinate and ever increasing rate.

Which then brings me onto long term things. I don’t know about you, but I have often made the mistake of thinking that once I’ve done or said something, it’s done and I can move on. Something simple like explaining to Batman that, once he’s finished his ice lolly after dinner, to take his plate to the kitchen and put it in the sink. There are two pitfalls here. Firstly, there are a million other more interesting things to be thinking about. Like going back to his Lego, watching Scooby Doo or poking his lolly stick up Baskerville’s bum. Secondly, he didn’t listen in the first place, no matter how carefully I calmly explained what to do and asked him if he understood, and saw him nod, so there’s no chance of him remembering tomorrow. I put adult logic to it – I can follow and remember simple instructions. Why doesn’t he? Of course I am forgetting that I was once his age and almost certainly did the same thing, and the times when I don’t hear Jenny’s voice through the white noise and don’t follow and remember her simple instructions. You should always remember that you are by no means anywhere near perfection yourself! (He said to himself.) So tomorrow, I will say it all again.

That, of course is long term Parenting, and has more of a bearing on Batman’s future than my own. But consider yourself, your relationship, how you look after yourself, and how you live your life in general.

We all have important aspects of the above and more that we should order and prioritise as we live. Try and keep focused and look at your priorities every day. It’s so very hard at times to keep those balls in the air. But take some time each day to treat yourself and those around you like plants. See if any water or feed is needed. Sometimes a bit of pruning, cutting and shaping will be required. It will hurt, perhaps, but it encourages new growth and more flowers to light up and fragrance your life.

When we hurt, we think it will stop hurting one day, that one day we’ll wake up and feel different. You hear of people who have suffered huge loss that wake up one morning and start their lives again. Ding. And off we go. But what went before never really leaves you. It’s always there and you mustn’t lose sight of it’s presence. Deal with it and face it – accept that it’s there and probably always will be.

A little bit every day will mean that a build up and backlog of ‘things’ and feelings is less likely. It all sounds like hard work, but if you kid yourself that doing one small thing will last forever, you will wake one day and feel snowed under – or continue to do so. That feeling will only grow and bring you down.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Be real and truthful to yourself. As you do things to help life tick over, so over time, they do become easier. But keep your eyes open on the big picture. The job is never done.

Adults Aren’t Always Right.

In 2006, just as my Mum approached retirement, my Sister died. She had been ill for almost 11 years, but her death at that point was still quite unexpected.

In the months that followed, having given almost the whole of the previous 11 years to nursing my Sister, ( she was 23 when she sustained brain damage) my Parents found themselves grief stricken and lost, mired in a sense of failure and loss, in which they still paddle about in today, on a good day.

I was walking my dog with a lady who introduced me to the University of the Third Age, which to all intents and purposes is a big youth club for pensioners. She gave me a leaflet and I gave it to my Parents, who discounted it straight away.

I found my Mum looking at it days later, at Watercolour classes. It turned out that, when she was an 11 year old girl, she painted a picture at school. She liked painting. The teacher took a look at it and told her never to pick up a paintbrush again. So she didn’t.

I said to her ‘Look. No matter what you were told in the past, just do it. Give yourself a break and for once in your life, do what you want to do, for yourself. Sod what anyone else thinks. If you like what you’ve done, and it makes you happy doing it, fuck it. It’s no one else’s business. Just give it a go.’

So she did. I went round there today, and she showed me this, that she painted the other day. I think it’s lovely. And also, my Dad started bowling, photography, playing the banjo and tapdancing. Not bad for a fascist bastard Thatcherite ex copper, eh?! (My Dad, that is!)

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